1000 things to do when you're really bored
Before you read this...yes...I really did write it.
1. Make up the lamest jokes in the world.
2. Make a song about SPAM.
3. Harass tele-marketers.
4. Pretend to be a tele-marketer.
5. Think of an evil plot to dominate the world.
6. Solve world hunger.
7. Solve world peace.
8. Pretend you see baboons everywhere.
9. Try eating SPAM.
10. Make a parody of your least favorite song.
11. Create your own language and number system.
12. Try to call the President and say you’re an old classmate of his.
13. Figure out why cheese smells.
14. Learn Chinese.
15. Write the worlds’ longest sentence.
16. Rearrange your room.
17. Start a phone dating service.
18. Complain to the T.V network that they canceled your favorite show.
19. Go to Dairy Queen and ask for a McFlurry.
20. Talk in a foreign accent all day.
21. Experiment with kidney beans and a blender.
22. Try to fly.
23. Call a wrong number and tell them they won a lifetime supply of eggplant.
24. Make a collage out of your lunch.
25. See how many marsh-mellows you can fit in your mouth.
26. Watch and memorize all 5 Star Wars movies.
27. Become a professional chef at the Cordon Bleu.
28. Count as high as you possibly can.
29. Write a letter to everyone in your address book admitting that you’re an alien from Neptune who is here to buy SPAM.
30. Learn to like country music. (I mean HEY! It’s not all bad.)
31. Teach someone how to do a cartwheel in a pool of pudding. (Preferable chocolate.)
32. See if you qualify for MTV’s show Jackass.
33. Go into a chat room and say to someone, “This is Barbara Walters, and welcome to our online chat session with me, Barbara Walters.”
34. Play telephone with your stuffed animals.
35. Write a novel.
36. Imagine what the world would be like if it were ruled by apes.
37. Think of the world’s best comebacks.
38. Sing “Happy Birthday” to a complete stranger even if it isn’t their birthday.
39. Write a letter to someone about something that bothers you.
40. Read all of the Harry Potter books and then re-name all of the characters.
41. Derail your train of thought.
42. Print off a picture of a really ugly guy, mail it to your mother and say you’re dating.
43. Print off a picture of one of America’s Most Wanted, mail it to your mother and say you’re engaged.
44. Make a medical break through.
45. Paint your pet with peanut butter and put jelly on its tail.
46. Disregard #45.
47. Smell the roses, but watch out for the bees.
48. Eat cheese non-stop until you run out of it.
49. Make your kitchen into a music center.
50. Say “Hyper Fruit Monkey” 10 times fast. Try to set a record.
51. Break a world record.
52. Spy on your unsuspecting neighbors.
53. Learn to play an instrument.
54. Take up a hobby.
55. Play “My car, your car” with your favorite beverage.
56. Imagine your worst enemy with a huge wart on their cheek.
57. Do yoga.
58. Have Barbie jump out of an open window.
59. Watch lamb-chop.
60. Give yourself a makeover.
61. Think about the pathetic life of the guy who plays Bozo the Clown.
62. Think about the even more pathetic life of the guy who plays Barney.
63. Say “Finland” for no apparent reason.
64. Quote cartoon characters.
65. Compose an overture to the theme of the hokey-pokey.
66. Become gothic.
67. Quit being gothic.
68. Plan a vacation to Yemen.
69. Practice holding a spoon on your nose.
70. Change your outgoing message so that it sounds more outgoing.
71. Claim that you are John Philip Sousa.
72. Adopt a monkey.
73. Visit Sponge-Bob.com.
74. Write an e-mail to Rocky and Bullwinkle.
75. Try to sound like a cricket.
76. Sell all of your worldly possessions and buy new ones.
77. Glare at your wall. (It won’t talk)
78. Sing Christmas songs in June.
79. Call or write to a celebrity and say that you are really them and they are just posing as you.
80. Buy a walrus.
81. Disregard #80
82. Make a color tapestry from mac’n cheese.
83. Name all 50 states alphabetically by capitols.
84. Name all the Presidents backward.
85. Alphabetize your cook books, CD’s, ect…
86. Give yourself dreadlocks.
87. Learn to sew.
88. Take a Polaroid of the inside of your mouth. (Don’t fog the lens)
89. Be like Piccaso.
90. Run around your neighborhood yelling, “I’m Monkey Man!”
91. Make your own website.
92. Drink Coke instead of Pepsi.
93. Start a rock collection.
94. Have a fight with yourself.
95. Lose the fight with yourself.
96. See how long it takes you to say the alphabet.
97. Pretend your mattress is a ski hill.
98. Watch every Disney movie ever made.
99. Create your own “Get Rich Quick” scheme.
100. Think of 900 more things I could write.
101. Never say never. (You just said it twice.)
102. Decide which movie monsters are “Dateable”.
103. Watch “Ernest Goes to Camp” over and over.
104. Create a new color.
105. Create a new gourmet food.
106. Make a movie.
107. Attempt to win the lottery.
108. Start seeing motorcycles.
109. Buy every kind of lotion K-mart sells.
110. Buy K-mart.
111. Sell K-mart.
112. Color coordinate all of your nail polish.
113. Play “UNO” with someone who speaks Spanish.
114. See what shapes the blobs of wax in your lava lamp make.
115. Pretend you’re a tree.
116. Act out one of Shakespeare’s plays.
117. Start a club that only you belong to.
118. Spy on the KKK…from your kitchen.
119. Prank call your kindergarten teacher.
120. Learn how to fold a flag.
121. Put an interesting ring tone on your cell phone.
122. Simulate skydiving.
123. Escribe en espanol.
124. Write in English.
125. Give a name to everything in your room.
126. Steal a shopping cart. (no not really)
127. Have an obsession with somebody.
128. Go to anger management.
129. Write really tiny.
130. Write really big.
131. Say Sombrero.
132. Get an even tan.
133. Call the weather station and report a herd of cattle.
134. Buy 1% milk instead of Skim.
135. Go to the beach and yell “SHARK!!!!”
136. Go into EXPRESS and ask for a train schedule.
137. Go to McDonald’s and order a Whopper.
138. Throw a sheet over your head and go trick or treating around town.
139. Go to Wal-mart and buy play-do and silly string.
140. Try to eat a fruitcake.
141. Memorize the Gettysburg Address.
142. Try to sound like Sponge-Bob.
143. Drive around town in reverse.
144. Try Tae-Bo.
145. Roll down a hill.
146. Record Regis and Kelly and send it to Kathy Lee Gifford.
147. Become a philosopher.
148. Try to join the cast of MAD T.V
149. Host a tea party.
150. Attend a tea party.
151. Watch a horror movie when it’s really sunny.
152. Send a phony application to Harvard.
153. Be a man, take stuff apart, put it back together and complain because it doesn’t work. THEN, offer to fix it.
154. Listen to Ozzy Osbourn.
155. Make yourself look like Albert Einstein.
156. Make a cunning greeting card.
157. File for divorce when you’re not even married.
158. Plead insanity.
159. Go up to a police officer and say casually, “Oh. You’re a cop.” and then run frantically away screaming.
160. Go to Krispy Kreme.
161. Purchase every novelty toy ever made.
162. Be a one-person orchestra.
163. Buy little kid shoes for your pets.
164. Play scrabble against yourself.
165. Laugh hysterically for no reason.
166. Go to Russia.
167. Make a book similar to Where’s Waldo.
168. Call a radio station and ask what song was on yesterday at 3:48 am.
169. Call a psychic hotline and ask if they know who the 100th President will be.
170. Call a psychic hotline and tell them you’re a psychic too!
171. Sing “The Song That Never Ends” until you go crazy.
172. Think of every song written by John Lennon.
173. Quote “Monty Python and the Holy Grail”.
174. Have a Mardi Gras party at Christmas.
175. Help a turtle cross the road.
176. Drive a golf cart through an “I HATE GOLF” meeting.
177. Do the Hokey-pokey. (You know you want to!)
178. Ask a 7-year-old if they know where babies come from.
179. Call the DNR and tell them about your grandmother.
180. Relate “The Angry Beavers” to your everyday life.
181. Find out what puce looks like.
182. Juggle spoons.
183. Call the weather station and tell them you can juggle spoons.
184. Recite nursery rhymes to a psychic.
185. Go to Green Acres just to see if it really is the place to be.
186. Tell your boss that you are quitting your job at Pizza Hut to fulfill your life long dream of working at Pizza Hut.
187. Call Tom Hanks’ house and leave a message that says, “Hello. My name is Forrest, Forrest Gump.”
188. Find your exact age in seconds.
189. Memorize the dictionary.
190. Go to the complaint department and complain about the complaint department.
191. Call Bill Gates and ask him if he needs a loan.
192. Call an ex-convict and report a homicide.
193. Figure out why baseball is America’s pastime when more people like football.
194. Learn all of the billions of numbers that make up the mathematical term “pi”.
195. Join the Britney Spears fan club and write about how much you love Christina Aguilera.
196. Figure out the zip code for Boondocks U.S.A
197. Call the Red Hot Chili Peppers the Red Hot Tomalleys.
198. Nominate yourself for a Grammy.
199. Read a book completely backward.
200. Think of 800 more! (Come on! Give me a break!)
201. Think of names for 201 Dalmatians.
202. Go to a sporting event and cheer for the wrong team.
203. Meditate. Become one with the book.
204. Swear at someone in a foreign language.
205. If you failed #32, just watch Jackass on T.V
206. Attempt calculus.
207. Make a life-size model of Elvis out of glow-in-the-dark silly putty.
208. Eat a pineapple.
209. Acquire a taste for free-form jazz.
210. Watch daytime talk shows.
211. Create your own soap opera.
212. Plant an alligator.
213. See if money grows on trees.
214. Take a bath because you probably stink by now.
215. Study Pascal’s Triangle.
216. Hog-tie your grandmother.
217. Untie your grandmother.
218. Master the yo-yo.
219. Become the next Spice Girl.
220. Design slippers.
221. Become a vegetarian.
222. Expand your lint collection.
223. Create your own Jerry Springer type show.
224. Play the Accordion.
225. Learn Hebrew.
226. Make a jelly bean and pickle sandwich.
227. Try to wash all the germs and bacteria off your body.
228. Paint yourself with glow-in-the-dark paint.
229. Believe a horoscope.
230. Play whack-a-mole.
231. Prove to everyone that you are the true lord of the dance.
232. Try not to get your head impaled upon a stick by some strange Mesopotamian tribe.
233. Tell yourself that it IS ALL ABOUT THE PEANUTS!
234. Try to put a new chip in your computer…I suggest a Dorito.
235. Go on a Grapefruit diet.
236. Try German sauerkraut…the American stuff is nasty.
237. Live amongst the Amish.
238. Move far far away from the Amish.
239. Go to the dental office for a root canal and pretend to enjoy it.
240. Go to sleep. (Hey! Why not?)
241. Go to heaven in your dreams.
242. Go bowling with a gruesomely defeated ex-bowler.
243. Watch Forrest Gump. (You got to love him.)
244. Give yourself a flock-of-seagulls hair cut.
245. Pretend everyday of the year is April Fools day.
246. Watch re-runs.
247. Go chasing waterfalls.
248. Memorize the Queen of England’s eating habits.
249. Picture DMX as a father figure.
250. Visit a parole officer.
251. Discover an uncharted island.
252. Move to an uncharted island.
253. Imagine the secret lives of Bonnie and Clyde.
254. Do you like country music yet?
255. By using a bag of flour, create Christmas in July in your livingroom. (Be sure you have a vacuum.)
256. Water ski in the bathtub.
257. Put Eminem and Limp Bizket in the same room.
258. Try to find a leprechaun.
259. Go camera happy.
260. Clean the kidney beans out of your blender and now experiment with lime Jell-O and hoarse radish.
261. Play Russian Roulette.
262. Look under your bed. It’s scary, I know.
263. Drink pickle juice.
264. Shave your head.
265. Play with an etch-a-sketch.
266. Hug a teddy bear.
267. Wash behind your ears AND between your toes.
268. Square dance.
269. Immobilize both of your legs and try to walk up stairs.
270. Cut bath towels into fun shapes.
271. Buy new bath towels.
272. Find the perfect Christmas gift for Santa Claus.
273. Yell at people on T.V (They’re always so clueless.)
274. Write a biography and title it “Just Me”.
275. Answer every question by saying lemon.
276. Rename everything in your room.
277. Stay awake through the entire movie series “Band of Brothers”.
278. Figure out why you like your friends. (They can be so strange.)
279. Talk in pig Latin.
280. Draw happy faces on your toes.
281. Name the people who are now on your toes.
282. Count all the hairs on your head.
283. Make a watermelon roller-coaster.
284. Say “Nano nano…Shuz-butt”.
285. Name the snowflakes on your windowsill.
286. Put all of the canned food in your house into the world’s largest blender…your dryer.
287. Invent a laser that will only cut lima beans.
288. Survive a wheel chair crash.
289. Make a cab driver pay you for taking forever.
290. Make an entire wardrobe from lima beans and Crisco.
291. Without using a mirror, try to look at your ears.
292. Buy a dog and name it Kitty.
293. Go shopping for a new meatloaf.
294. Think of an excuse lamer than “my dog ate it”.
295. Celebrate Yom Kipper (if you don’t already)
296. Set your hair on fire.
297. On second thought…don’t.
298. Sit in the pumpkin patch with Linus and wait for the Great pumpkin.
299. Use crutches for recreational perposses.
300. 700 more. That’s all I’m asking!
301. Fill a 20lb. garbage bag with water and drop it on the unsuspecting citizens below.
302. Run quickly from the window you just dropped the bag from.
303. Mimic a coo-coo-clock.
304. Go fly-fishing in your kitchen sink.
305. Write your last will-and-testament.
306. Do water ballet.
307. Carve zoo animals from bars of soap.
308. Watch out for evil flying monkeys like the ones on the Wizard of Oz.
309. Try your very hardest to learn something from this book.
310. I’m sorry. My last request is an impossibility.
311. If under your bed wasn’t scary enough, now look in your closet.
312. Act like a mime.
313. Now that you’re a mime, you have the right to remain silent.
314. Talk to yourself about ducks and fiddles.
315. But do this in your head because you’re a mime.
316. Simon says talk.
317. Play Simon Says.
318. Win the Grammy you nominated yourself for.
319. Now… win the Nobel Peace Prize.
320. Become a rocket scientist.
321. Give yourself a nickname.
322. Jump into a freezing lake in a bikini.
323. Now jump in a hot tub.
324. Put up and decorate your Christmas tree. (The month is not important.)
325. Scuba dive in your bathtub.
326. Try to find the moose in the moon.
327. Go to sleep and see how many sheep jump over the fence before the farmer realizes what is going on and chases after them.
328. Buy a Serta mattress and never see counting sheep again unless you buy one.
329. Make a gourmet meal completely out of soy products.
330. Research why hamburgers are called hamburgers when really, they’re made from beef.
331. Make a snowman village from oatmeal, gumdrops, and toothpicks.
332. Name the village and all of its occupants.
333. Make a snow angel in a pile of leaves.
334. Make it your life’s ambition to meet Tinker-Bell.
335. Do you like country music now?
336. How about now?
337. Play “Ring-Around-The-Rhino”.
338. Make rings out of play-do and play horseshoes with the stake being the rhino’s horn.
339. Run like he!! because you seriously ticked off that rhino!
340. Make a hairpiece.
341. Make a house of cards with inhabitants.
342. Dig a hole to China.
343. Talk only in abbreviations.
344. Bring utter chaos to the world.
345. Go to a Broadway show!
346. Perform in a Broadway show.
347. Imagine what your life would be like if YOU were the Tin Man on the Wizard of Oz.
348. Become a knight of the round table.
349. Now that you’re a knight, go to Camelot.
350. Once in Camelot, join King Arthur in his court.
351. Finally, join the cast of Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
352. Brought to you in part by Python (Monty) Pictures.
353. Make a cheese bikini.
354. Listen to the Beatles CD and memorize every word to every song.
355. Look up the meaning of the word unctuous.
356. Visit a monastery.
357. Visit a convent.
358. Put up Christmas lights all around your room.
359. Draw political cartoons.
360. Mail them to the newspaper.
361. Play with a monkey.
362. Make a giant catapult
363. Launch pumpkins from your new catapult.
364. Make sure you don’t aim at traffic.
365. Pretend to have lunch with your favorite movie or T.V star.
366. Be a DRAMA QUEEN!
367. Be a DAIRY QUEEN!
368. Be a thesaurus.
369. Properly pronounce thesaurus.
370. Thu-saar-us
371. Determine what shapes the clouds out in the sky are making.
372. Visit a nursing home and be enlightened by the elderly.
373. Learn why Delaware is so small.
374. Watch Christmas movies at the wrong time of year.
375. Watch movies that scared you when you were a kid.
376. Expand your CD collection.
377. Play with a magic 8 ball until it tells you what you want it to.
378. Play hide and seek with yourself.
379. Chase a squirrel around your yard until he gives you his secret stash of nuts.
380. Say “Tax exemption”.
381. Say “Sassafras”.
382. Watch the Austin Powers movies until you truly believe that you are mini-me.
383. Buy a Winnibago.
384. Go camping in Yemen in your new Winnibago.
385. Figure out what you would like on your Tombstone. (Pepperoni and cheese?)
386. Give your teddy bear the himelic maneuver because he just choked on a bad berry.
387. Tap dance in your kitchen.
388. Now buff and wax your floors.
389. Make a song about this book and how pathetic it really is.
390. Get ready…
391. Here it comes…
392. ARE!
393. YOU!
394. READY?
395. Well then, get ready!
396. Ready for what?
397. You ask?
398. This.
399. No, I mean this!
400. 600 MORE PLEASE!
401. Get out your blender again and put in Tabasco sauce and cream cheese. (This makes an interesting party dip.)
402. Join in on the quest for the Holy Grail.
403. Listen to CD’s you liked in the third grade.
404. Make an authentic wax candle by using earwax and twine.
405. Find the meaning of the word “quinquennial”.
406. Plan a party for the most anti-social people in the world.
407. Play Solitaire over and over and over and over and over and over etc...
408. Make blueprints for a nuclear missal silo.
409. Make your own “Do NOT Try This At Home” video.
410. Watch in utter horror as dust falls and yell, “It’s a conspiracy!”
411. Discover the “Secret of Life”.
412. Compare your life to celery.
413. Find a life for me.
414. Swear at people through a loud speaker in that language that you created before.
415. Try not to get arrested for #414
416. Read Dr. Suess books and see if you can tell who is who in the land of Who.
417. Read fairy tales to a goat.
418. Play with Duct Tape. (It’s REALLY fun!)
419. Make a CD with only the song “Barbie Girl” on it.
420. Paint yourself blue, give yourself a mullet, dress like a hooker and see if anyone notices.
421. Think about the HOW-CAN-THEY-STILL-HAVE-A-JOB/LIFE-AFTER-THAT-MOVIE type of life of bad actors and actresses.
422. For example, Britney Spears, Leonardo Dicaprio, and the entire cast of Lake Placid.
423. Try your hardest to figure out why some teenage girls think Bruce Willis is “HOT”.
424. Do you like country music now?
425. Interview a munchkin from Munchkin Land.
426. Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
427. Figure out which sea sponge-bob lives in.
428. Then, find his pineapple and move in unexpectedly.
429. Mail a sealed envelope of powdered sugar to the White House.
430. Point out how rude and inappropriate profanity is by yelling as loud as possible with your own “rude and inappropriate” vocabulary.
431. Once again…Don’t get yourself arrested.
432. Call the plumber and ask him if he will fix your manual potato peeler.
433. Be the most annoyingly happy person to everyone you come in contact with.
434. Be a vegetable. I suggest celery.
435. Take your film to a 1-hour photo place and every 5 minutes say, “Are they done yet?”
436. Go to “Lucky Smells Lumber Mill.”
437. Take a “Road Trip” to Ithaca New York.
438. Forgive my pun.
439. Make a “Double Barrel Sling-shot” by using a DD brazier and hundreds of rubber bands.
440. Figure out what Nirvana is singing in all of their songs. I personally could never understand 99.758% of what they’re singing.
441. Learn the deeper meaning of “Shove it loser!”
442. Listen to Madonna.
443. Determine whether or not you are a chipmunk.
444. Be “Like a Surgeon”.
445. Fig-r ou’ wha’ the ‘ell Ozzy is fu**in say’n when e’s tahk’n ba-cuz every n’ knows wha’ e’s fu**in say’n when e’s sing’n.
446. Talk like Ozzy.
447. Walk like Ozzy.
448. Dude! Become Ozzy!
449. Or maybe not.
450. Go on the Subway Diet.
451. Go on the Chipotle Diet.
452. Pick a diet you like that is not Jenny Craig.
453. Don’t let your mind wander, it’s too small to out on its own.
454. Tell someone to shut their mouth before you put your foot in it.
455. Ask someone what the air speed velocity of an unlaiden swallow is.
456. What? African or European swallow?
457. What? I don’t know that! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
458. Anyway! Watch Happy Gilmore until you go crazy.
459. Clean out your dryer and put in 1lb. Glitter, (preferable pink) 2oz. Creamed spinach, 1 5lb. Bag of flour, 19 large jars of green olives, (take them out of the jar first.) 3 dimes, and 7 gallons of grape cough medicine. Mix on high for 70 minutes, and call repair man to investigate your, um, situation.
460. Repeat yourself.
461. Repeat yourself.
462. Repeat yourself.
463. Repeat yourself.
464. Repeat yourself.
465. Stop repeating yourself.
466. Stop repeating yourself.
467. No! I SAID STOP!
468. Sing.
469. Dance.
470. Jump.
471. Sit.
472. Stand.
473. What?! You expect all of these to be interesting?
474. Exciting in some way?
475. Well guess what!
476. I’m not that friggin creative!
477. Take my advice.
478. You really don’t want to read this crap.
479. You, like me, have no life so you are doing this only to amuse yourself.
480. Get off you behind…
481. Get a job.
482. Get a date.
483. Basically…get a life.
484. And as I said before…
485. Find me a life too!
486. I’m almost halfway done with this stupid list and yet, I’m not any more of an interesting person now than I was when I started writing it.
487. Get the hint?
488. No?
489. OK.
490. Eat a water buffalo.
491. I heard that they’re quite good.
492. Make your brother, if you have a brother, into a ballerina.
493. Find out if you suffer from medorthophobia.
494. If you do…
495. It sucks to be you!
496. If you don’t know what a medorthophobic is…
497. I suggest that you look it up.
498. You don’t want to suffer from this.
499. Well. Actually, I don’t know you so I can’t fairly say that.
500. Halfway there baby!
501. Anyway! Back to the phobia,
502. It is quite the strange phobia.
503. And if you suffer from it, ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL righty then.
504. Get frostbite and sunburn in the same week.
505. In other words, move to Minnesota.
506. Take a spoon to the Super Bowl on a chili night!
507. Ha! That was so funny!
508. Call the person you like Johnny/Betty as code unless their name is Johnny or Betty.
509. Improve your self-esteem by boiling water.
510. By using mainly spoons, make a full-scale model of the Tagmahal.
511. Be a flamboyant person.
512. Let it snow!
513. Let it snow!
514. Let it snow!
515. I though I told you to stop repeating yourself.
516. Start a journal.
517. Draw on yourself with lip liner.
518. Or eye liner.
519. Go to visit a distant relative.
520. How distant?
521. Distant.
522. Find out what “Dringlichkeit Besteht Immer” means.
523. Go to a gay bar for dating advice.
524. Draw mustaches on posters of famous people.
525. If you don’t like country music yet, don’t worry, there is still hope!
526. Supercalafragilistic-hit me in the futuristic.
527. Supercalafragilisticexpaladoshus.
528. Tee-hee.
529. Get “jiggy wit it”.
530. Light every candle in your house and try to identify what the mixture of smells smells like.
531. Cut up magazines and make pretty pictures.
532. Take out your blender.
533. Fill it with sauerkraut.
534. And chili.
535. Set it to liquefy.
536. Have fun.
537. Call your mother.
538. Tell her you need a new dryer.
539. And a new blender.
540. And more canned food.
541. And soy milk.
542. Download every JOECARTOON that you can find.
543. Play “ELFBOWLING”
544. Play “ELFBOWLING 2”
545. Play “ELFBOWLING 3”
546. Play any other game.
547. Read Dr. Suess.
548. Start a band.
549. Go on a world tour with your band.
550. Quit the band because it really sucks.
551. Buy every single aroma therapy candle you find.
552. Go to a foreign country.
553. Act like a terrorist.
554. Go directly to jail.
555. Do not pass go.
556. Do not collect $200.
557. Rhyme everything you say.
558. Rhyme every thing everybody else says.
559. Go around to everyone you see and ask them if they have change for a penny.
560. Talk in code.
561. Become the smartest person in the world.
562. Read, “The Catcher in the Rye”.
563. Spy on people.
564. Go to the police station and report that a lawn gnome is stalking you.
565. In you police report, say the lawn gnome just stands outside your house all day…
566. Watching you…
567. Smiling in a suspicious way.
568. Nickname all of your friends after vacuous dictators.
569. Become a play-write.
570. Read the book, “Pride and Prejudice”.
571. Watch the movie, “Pride and Prejudice”.
572. Be warned… the movie is five hours long.
573. Find the more common meaning of the word, “convivial”.
574. Remember those psychics that we were talking about in the 100’s?
575. Well…first, call one of them up…
576. Ask them why you are calling…
577. Disagree with everything they tell you…
578. Accuse them of being associated with that troublesome lawn gnome…
579. Inform them about your currently broken blender…
580. Also your broken dryer…
581. And your lack of sauerkraut, chili, and soy milk.
582. Choose not the life of imitation.
583. Try eating government commodity cheese.
584. Play with little kiddy toys…
585. Such as squirt guns.
586. Explore the depths of your closet.
587. Define the word “Conundrum”
588. Do something productive.
589. Create your self-portrait by using guacamole.
590. Portray yourself as someone who lacks the instinct of common sense.
591. If that is already the way you are portrayed, that really sucks.
592. Please tell me you like country music.
593. You do!
594. That is simply splendid!
595. Anywho! Make up some form of rip-off sweepstakes.
596. Enter your sweepstakes.
597. Con all of your friends into entering.
598. Win your sweepstakes.
599. Get new friends.
600. Oh. My. God. Look at the fact that I only have 400 more things to make-up off the top of my head and put down on this piece off paper in order to entertain all of you unsuspecting people who happen to be innocently reading this, not knowing that as you read you are being brain-washed into thinking that this is the greatest written account of how you lived your pathetic child-hood, teen years, mid-life, retirement, and/or current life.
601. Wow! I’m out of breath now.
602. Oh crap! I have just released my well thought-out and high school educated plot.
603. Oh well! I’ll just think up a new one.
604. Study Entomology.
605. Start a collection of government officials.
606. Go to Tahiti, that is, if you’re not there right now.
607. Find out where Osama Bin Laden is hiding.
608. Find out where Saddam Hussein is hiding.
609. Protest all protesters.
610. Hop on Pop.
611. Oh! I crack myself up!
612. Forgive me… that was extremely dull humor.
613. Use terms heard in the military…
614. Such as Hooah…
615. Bonsai…
616. Stupid Saddam…
617. Sponge-bob…
618. Attention…
619. At ease…
620. And most importantly…
621. M.R.E’s
622. Also known as…
623. Meals Ready to Eat…
624. Although I, as well as everyone I know who is in the military…
625. Which is a lot of people…
626. All think that a school lunch…
627. Which is primarily cardboard, styrofoam, glue, and other unknown substances…
628. Would be a better definition of the words, “Meal” and/or “food”.
629. Wow! That was a waste of space.
630. Look up the definitions of the following words…
631. Austere…
632. Ersatz…
633. Vile…
634. Hostile…
635. And Carnivorous.
636. I hope you didn’t say what I think you just said…
637. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…you did!
638. You lied!
639. You told me that you liked country music!
640. I will convert you yet.
641. And when I do…
642. You can come to Detroit Lakes, Minnesota in August for WE FEST.
643. It’s all country!
644. In the mean time, YOU WILL OBEY MY EVERY REQUEST.
645. YOU WILL LIKE COUNTRY MUSIC.
646. YOU WILL MOVE TO SOUTH YEMEN.
647. YOU WILL BE ABLE TO BEND YOUSELF INTO THE SHAPE OF A PRETZLE.
648. My caps lock key just broke.
649. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.
650. Become someone’s secret admirer.
651. I’m just curious as to if you have learned anything from this book yet.
652. No?
653. That’s OK…
654. Neither have I.
655. Talk only in questions?
656. Learn Latin.
657. Look at funny pictures of your siblings or acquaintances.
658. If you don’t have any siblings or acquaintances, you have my pity.
659. Go deep into the inter-quadrants of your mind.
660. Read the notes people wrote in your old yearbooks.
661. Con a female celebrity or Michael Jackson into telling you what percentage of their body is artificial.
662. Turn your bed sheets into your spreadsheets.
663. Find a movie actor/actress who is the same age as you.
664. Take a college exam for fun.
665. Write a letter to the editor in hieroglyphics.
666. ß Note the number.
667. Go to a lamas class.
668. Write a list of complaints about trash receptacles.
669. Read the second letter in the fourth word of the newspaper and think of every word that begins with that letter.
670. Read Hitler’s personal diary…
671. Online.
672. Twiddle your thumbs.
673. Eat a Twinkie.
674. Go to join an environmental group wearing a fur coat, crocodile shoes, and a feather hat.
675. Be Superman and save the world.
676. Be a Door to Door door sales-man.
677. Be a Door to Door mattress sales-man.
678. Be a Girl Scout and sell cookies.
679. Be Yoda from Star Wars.
680. Be Luke Skywalker from Star Wars.
681. Be Princess Laya from Star Wars.
682. Be Han Solo from Star Wars.
683. Be R2D2 from Star Wars.
684. Be C3PO from Star Wars.
685. Be Darth Vader from Star Wars.
686. Be Chewbakka from Star Wars.
687. Or not.
688. Tell everyone you know that you truly love SPAM.
689. Yeah…I know what you’re thinking…
690. What?! SPAM again! I thought she was done talking about SPAM!
691. But NO! I was not done…
692. I just brought it up again to see if you were paying attention!
693. I don’t know how that could possibly prove anything, but oh well.
694. Hey! Look! I’m almost at 700!
695. Use hair ties as weapons.
696. By using velcro and a lufa, vacuum your house.
697. Play the harmonica with your nose.
698. Join a Chinese fan club.
699. Make it a point every day to talk to Drew Carry.
700. ß Only 300 to go! Now just watch! I’ll fall over and die or something. You would just love that wouldn’t you?
701. Make a fruit pizza.
702. Remember all those fun things we did with blenders?
703. Well! Take out you blender and fill it with 1 cup of strawberry Kool-Aid, 5 tbls of olive oil, and 1 3lb bag of egg noodles.
704. Doesn’t that sound appetizing?
705. Frolic around your house.
706. Skip merrily about the bathroom.
707. Have a water fight…
708. But instead of water, use cream of mushroom soup.
709. Paint your room an interesting color.
710. Throw a beach party.
711. Throw a birthday party.
712. Unleash one, or more, of your multiple personalities.
713. Does the word specimen gross you out?
714. Why?
715. Van ir al cine.
716. En ingles…
717. Go to the movies.
718. Find out what the following symbols mean…
719. ~
720. ^
721. *
722. `
723. and
724. :^)
725. I made a smiley face!
726. Use this book as a weapon.
727. Use this book as a doorstop.
728. Buy a chimpanzee.
729. Name your chimpanzee “Rikki Tikki Tavi”.
730. Crush candy canes to make confetti.
731. Gross someone out with an odd talent you possess.
732. Figure out if you, yourself, are possessed.
733. Steal a semi.
734. Preferably one filled with a soft drink.
735. Like Pepsi.
736. Drive it to Pakistan.
737. Dig a really big hole.
738. Drive it into the really big hole.
739. Crap! You’re stuck!
740. No…I’m just kidding.
741. Climb on top of the semi…
742. Jump out of the really big hole…
743. Begin to fill in the really big hole with spinach.
744. Try not to be noticed by the surrounding city of Islamabad.
745. Yes… that is the Capitol City.
746. And as I have said several times before…
747. Don’t get yourself arrested.
748. Accuse everyone of treason.
749. Catch some strange, but not deadly, virus…
750. Throw it back where you found it.
751. I am beginning to think that the whole you liking country music thing isn’t going to happen…
752. So instead I have found an alternative.
753. How do you feel about techno music?
754. I personally don’t care much for techno.
755. Smile.
756. Make everyone wonder what twisted scheme is going through your head.
757. I’m sorry.
758. I just simply can’t convince you to like techno music when I think that it’s crap.
759. So now you shall hear my alternative alternative.
760. This music style is one I happen to like a lot.
761. Try listening to jazz…
762. The real stuff…
763. With Louie Armstrong and Ella Fitzgerald.
764. It’s really good.
765. What is this I am sensing?
766. Doubt?
767. I don’t believe it!
768. I sit here…
769. At my computer…
770. Day after day…
771. Trying to think of the most preposterous things to do when you’re bored…
772. All to benefit you people whom I have never met…(probably…)
773. And what do you do to me? You doubt me!
774. I should just stop here and let you finish this purposeless…
775. Uneducational…
776. Waste of time I could be using for Ping-Pong…
777. Excuse for a book.
778. J
779. Oh well.
780. Maybe I’ll make a lot money off it.
781. Maybe not.
782. By using mainly lip-gloss, make your hallway into a Slip-n-Slide!
783. This WILL take a lot of lip-gloss.
784. Figure out who the following people are (your grandparents always talk about them…it’s time for some answers!)
785. Louie Armstrong (Black dude who can sing)
786. Ella Fitzgerald (Black dudette who can sing)
787. Frank Sinatra (White dude who can sing/act)
788. Gene Kelly (White dude who can sing/act too)
789. Roger Moore (One of them James Bond guys)
790. Ron Howard (White dude from Happy Days (he played Richie)
791. (NAME OF MOST-LIKELY-DEAD PERSON YOUR GRANDPARENT’S LIKE(D))
792. My caps lock key works again.
793. I can’t quite remember, but I think that somewhere up there I told you to be like Piccaso…
794. If I did…
795. That does not apply to surgeons, psychiatrists, firemen, and/or butchers.
796. Yeah, that might not be the greatest thing…
797. Some possessed psychiatrist running around acting like Piccaso.
798. Wow. So close to the end and yet, so far.
799. I’m not quite sure if I can make it.
800. 200 left! Tonight I’m going to party like it’s 1999.
801. I don’t know why I would want to though…
802. In 1999 I was only 11…
803. I was in the 5th grade…
804. I currently don’t care much for the 5th graders I know…
805. So why on earth would I want to party like a 5th grader?
806. 4th graders are cool, but not those rotten little 5th graders that I know.
807. Anywho! If you haven’t noticed yet, I have brainwashed you into thinking that I am the coolest person on this planet who lives the most pathetic life.
808. And for all you know, it could very well be true!
809. I mean, most of the unsuspecting, law-abiding citizens who read this don’t personally know me…
810. And therefore I could be the coolest person on this planet who lives the most pathetic life.
811. And the Nobel Prize goes to…
812. Me!
813. Hey! I thought I told you to win the Nobel Prize.
814. But you didn’t win it, did you?
815. No! Because I did!
816. Hypothetically speaking.
817. Oh like it really matters!
818. Laugh at your peers and the stupid things they always tend to do.
819. Discover the joy of squirt guns, buckets of water, and your siblings.
820. Go to Dolly Wood in Pidgin Forge, Tennessee.
821. Go to every antique shop/mall in the continental United States.
822. Ask the people at the shops/malls to open display cases for you in order to see an item clearly marked NOT FOR SALE.
823. Interview an Elvis impersonator.
824. Ask everyone you see, “Hey! That thing got a Hemi?”
825. Buy an attack cat for your house.
826. Make sure that it is vicious.
827. Quote yourself.
828. Make Johnny Cash your idol.
829. If he is already your idol, try Bernie Mac.
830. Or Big Mac.
831. Available at all McDonald’s across Bosnia.
832. And in the U.S.A. too.
833. And don’t forget Europe.
834. And penguins.
835. I don’t know where that came from…
836. It just came…
837. You know, like the weather…
838. We don’t know where it comes from…
839. We just know how it starts…
840. What’s up with that?
841. Go fishing…
842. But try not to catch weed fish.
843. I hold the world record for the longest weed fish…
844. It was 13ft. 2inches.
845. Have you broken a world record yet?
846. Smile… you’re on candid camera.
847. No, not really.
848. Walk around town saying, “Pa-ching! That’s so Smurfin’!”
849. Go to the carnival and pretend to be a sideshow to The Amazing Bob.
850. Transform your local furniture store into a campground.
851. Show up at a beach party wearing the same swimsuit as your grandmother.
852. I’ve seen it happen…
853. Be warned!
854. It could be fatal!
855. I can feel the size of my brain decrease as I continue to write this crap.
856. Can you?
857. Well, I guess one of us is lucky.
858. Create your own movie montage in a hat shop.
859. Give into peer pressure…
860. Come on…
861. Everyone is doing it…
862. It’s O.K…
863. You know you want to.
864. Go to college.
865. Get a real job.
866. Throw all your hands up.
867. I’m hoping that you only have two or less.
868. If you have more than two…
869. That’s cool.
870. Yup. ß Say yup.
871. I wonder where they would sell this book…
872. Maybe on the black market.
873. Visit the black market…
874. Online.
875. Play cards.
876. Talk to goldfish.
877. Reflect on all the fond memories you have had with SPAM.
878. It’s almost been 200 ideas since I said anything about SPAM…
879. I have to stay consistent.
880. Well, I don’t have to stay consistent…
881. I just feel like annoying you.
882. Go golfing.
883. I don’t know why I suggested that.
884. Ask yourself questions.
885. Answer your questions.
886. If you don’t know the answer…
887. Look it up…
888. Online.
889. Or in the Yellow Pages.
890. Yellow Pages make very nice wallpaper.
891. Just think…
892. All the information you’ll ever need…
893. Right there…
894. On your wall.
895. Watch every movie ever made by Alfred Hitchcock.
896. See how many of those movies he is actually in.
897. Have a Zuper Zorba’s Zummer!
898. Fill your bedroom with stuffed animals.
899. Have someone open the door to the pastel and fuzz avalanche.
900. I thought I’d never see the day! I have already been working on this for almost a year. At one point, I took a break because I temporarily had a life, but that’s in the past. Now I’ll get to number 998 and have a heart attack or something. Then you people will never know how this poor excuse for a source of entertainment called a book ends. I’ll know, but I’ll either be dead or in the intensive care unit at the hospital. And if I do survive, I will just stop writing it because it is causing so much stress in my life. Actually it’s not, but that’s the excuse I’ll use.
901. Moving on from my account of insanity…
902. Mow your lawn with a fingernail clipper.
903. Talk to yourself…
904. About what?
905. Yourself!
906. Duh.
907. Eat Chinese fooooooooooooooooooooood.
908. It’s really good.
909. Watch “Dude! Where’s My Car?”
910. And “Seriously Dude! Where’s My Car?”
911. Don’t you just love sequels?
912. I know I do.
913. Play with a Serta counting sheep.
914. Go to Disney Land/World/Euro-Disney Land/World.
915. Create several disguises for yourself.
916. These are just incase you are or ever will be a convict.
917. I suppose I could be arrested for giving you that advice.
918. What are the chances of that happening?
919. They’re coming to take me away! Ha! Ha!
920. They’re coming to take me away! Ha! Ha! Ho! Ho! Hee! Hee!
921. To the funny farm where life is grand!
922. And all those doctors in clean white coats!
923. And I think we all get the hint.
924. Play with a jack-in-the-box.
925. Jack jumps out and goes boingy-boingy-boingy-boing.
926. Do you like country music?
927. How about that crap techno stuff?
928. Jazz?
929. I just don’t understand you people.
930. You’re running out of time dude.
931. Listen to Ringo Star’s thoughts on life.
932. My computer is telling me that I misspelled Ringo.
933. I just added it to my dictionary.
934. Take that computer!
935. Do something productive…
936. Make a lot of money…
937. Send the money to me…
938. Weep because you have no money…
939. And no common sense.
940. I’m just kidding.
941. Do water ballet in a large can of tomato soup.
942. Take a bath. (I know I already said that, but come on! Tomato Soup Water Ballet?)
943. Play baseball with cabbage.
944. Try to play catch with a stump…
945. This stump shall not be abused…
946. So give the poor thing a name…
947. Like Stumpy…
948. Or Stump…
949. Or Slivers…
950. Or Drift Wood…
951. Or something else.
952. Less than 50 to go!
953. Luckily I’m still healthy…
954. For the time being that is.
955. Eat liver and onions.
956. Use sunless tanner as invisible ink.
957. Use a mango as a bowling ball.
958. Watch really old Driver Education movies.
959. Laugh at these movies.
960. Comment on how incredibly out of date they are.
961. Always wear sunscreen.
962. Currently, statistics show that out of the previous 961 ideas listed, only 81% of it was actually considered an idea, and the other 19% was just me rambling on about stuff.
963. Just think about that.
964. Start a countdown to the end of this book.
965. Imagine what your mother would look like with a purple afro.
966. Now imagine a green and orange polka-dot dress on her.
967. And now add the aquamarine pumps.
968. Ain’t she purdy?
969. Go swimming.
970. Play a sport.
971. Design a line of clothing.
972. Take a walk down Hollywood Boulevard.
973. Visit a coconut in Guam.
974. Go to the Sherman Bath Mat Company in Peoria, Illinois.
975. I don’t even know if there is a Sherman Bath Mat Company.
976. But go there anyway.
977. Count down the number of days to your birthday.
978. Only 106 until mine!
979. Clean your bathroom.
980. Clean your bedroom.
981. Find things from the third grade under your bed.
982. Become a model.
983. Eat something.
984. Get fired because you popped a Tic-Tac, and now you’re fat.
985. Those agents are so picky.
986. Learn the real meaning of, “I promise.”
987. 13 more…and what happens?
988. I’m out of ideas!
989. No, I’m not!
990. I must keep going!
991. For the sake of humanity…
992. And stupidity…
993. And for my sanity!
994. Buy a car.
995. Buy a bus.
996. Buy a train.
997. Buy a plane.
999. Buy a Corporate Leader.
1000. Make a list of 1000 things to do when you’re really bored!
1. Make up the lamest jokes in the world.
2. Make a song about SPAM.
3. Harass tele-marketers.
4. Pretend to be a tele-marketer.
5. Think of an evil plot to dominate the world.
6. Solve world hunger.
7. Solve world peace.
8. Pretend you see baboons everywhere.
9. Try eating SPAM.
10. Make a parody of your least favorite song.
11. Create your own language and number system.
12. Try to call the President and say you’re an old classmate of his.
13. Figure out why cheese smells.
14. Learn Chinese.
15. Write the worlds’ longest sentence.
16. Rearrange your room.
17. Start a phone dating service.
18. Complain to the T.V network that they canceled your favorite show.
19. Go to Dairy Queen and ask for a McFlurry.
20. Talk in a foreign accent all day.
21. Experiment with kidney beans and a blender.
22. Try to fly.
23. Call a wrong number and tell them they won a lifetime supply of eggplant.
24. Make a collage out of your lunch.
25. See how many marsh-mellows you can fit in your mouth.
26. Watch and memorize all 5 Star Wars movies.
27. Become a professional chef at the Cordon Bleu.
28. Count as high as you possibly can.
29. Write a letter to everyone in your address book admitting that you’re an alien from Neptune who is here to buy SPAM.
30. Learn to like country music. (I mean HEY! It’s not all bad.)
31. Teach someone how to do a cartwheel in a pool of pudding. (Preferable chocolate.)
32. See if you qualify for MTV’s show Jackass.
33. Go into a chat room and say to someone, “This is Barbara Walters, and welcome to our online chat session with me, Barbara Walters.”
34. Play telephone with your stuffed animals.
35. Write a novel.
36. Imagine what the world would be like if it were ruled by apes.
37. Think of the world’s best comebacks.
38. Sing “Happy Birthday” to a complete stranger even if it isn’t their birthday.
39. Write a letter to someone about something that bothers you.
40. Read all of the Harry Potter books and then re-name all of the characters.
41. Derail your train of thought.
42. Print off a picture of a really ugly guy, mail it to your mother and say you’re dating.
43. Print off a picture of one of America’s Most Wanted, mail it to your mother and say you’re engaged.
44. Make a medical break through.
45. Paint your pet with peanut butter and put jelly on its tail.
46. Disregard #45.
47. Smell the roses, but watch out for the bees.
48. Eat cheese non-stop until you run out of it.
49. Make your kitchen into a music center.
50. Say “Hyper Fruit Monkey” 10 times fast. Try to set a record.
51. Break a world record.
52. Spy on your unsuspecting neighbors.
53. Learn to play an instrument.
54. Take up a hobby.
55. Play “My car, your car” with your favorite beverage.
56. Imagine your worst enemy with a huge wart on their cheek.
57. Do yoga.
58. Have Barbie jump out of an open window.
59. Watch lamb-chop.
60. Give yourself a makeover.
61. Think about the pathetic life of the guy who plays Bozo the Clown.
62. Think about the even more pathetic life of the guy who plays Barney.
63. Say “Finland” for no apparent reason.
64. Quote cartoon characters.
65. Compose an overture to the theme of the hokey-pokey.
66. Become gothic.
67. Quit being gothic.
68. Plan a vacation to Yemen.
69. Practice holding a spoon on your nose.
70. Change your outgoing message so that it sounds more outgoing.
71. Claim that you are John Philip Sousa.
72. Adopt a monkey.
73. Visit Sponge-Bob.com.
74. Write an e-mail to Rocky and Bullwinkle.
75. Try to sound like a cricket.
76. Sell all of your worldly possessions and buy new ones.
77. Glare at your wall. (It won’t talk)
78. Sing Christmas songs in June.
79. Call or write to a celebrity and say that you are really them and they are just posing as you.
80. Buy a walrus.
81. Disregard #80
82. Make a color tapestry from mac’n cheese.
83. Name all 50 states alphabetically by capitols.
84. Name all the Presidents backward.
85. Alphabetize your cook books, CD’s, ect…
86. Give yourself dreadlocks.
87. Learn to sew.
88. Take a Polaroid of the inside of your mouth. (Don’t fog the lens)
89. Be like Piccaso.
90. Run around your neighborhood yelling, “I’m Monkey Man!”
91. Make your own website.
92. Drink Coke instead of Pepsi.
93. Start a rock collection.
94. Have a fight with yourself.
95. Lose the fight with yourself.
96. See how long it takes you to say the alphabet.
97. Pretend your mattress is a ski hill.
98. Watch every Disney movie ever made.
99. Create your own “Get Rich Quick” scheme.
100. Think of 900 more things I could write.
101. Never say never. (You just said it twice.)
102. Decide which movie monsters are “Dateable”.
103. Watch “Ernest Goes to Camp” over and over.
104. Create a new color.
105. Create a new gourmet food.
106. Make a movie.
107. Attempt to win the lottery.
108. Start seeing motorcycles.
109. Buy every kind of lotion K-mart sells.
110. Buy K-mart.
111. Sell K-mart.
112. Color coordinate all of your nail polish.
113. Play “UNO” with someone who speaks Spanish.
114. See what shapes the blobs of wax in your lava lamp make.
115. Pretend you’re a tree.
116. Act out one of Shakespeare’s plays.
117. Start a club that only you belong to.
118. Spy on the KKK…from your kitchen.
119. Prank call your kindergarten teacher.
120. Learn how to fold a flag.
121. Put an interesting ring tone on your cell phone.
122. Simulate skydiving.
123. Escribe en espanol.
124. Write in English.
125. Give a name to everything in your room.
126. Steal a shopping cart. (no not really)
127. Have an obsession with somebody.
128. Go to anger management.
129. Write really tiny.
130. Write really big.
131. Say Sombrero.
132. Get an even tan.
133. Call the weather station and report a herd of cattle.
134. Buy 1% milk instead of Skim.
135. Go to the beach and yell “SHARK!!!!”
136. Go into EXPRESS and ask for a train schedule.
137. Go to McDonald’s and order a Whopper.
138. Throw a sheet over your head and go trick or treating around town.
139. Go to Wal-mart and buy play-do and silly string.
140. Try to eat a fruitcake.
141. Memorize the Gettysburg Address.
142. Try to sound like Sponge-Bob.
143. Drive around town in reverse.
144. Try Tae-Bo.
145. Roll down a hill.
146. Record Regis and Kelly and send it to Kathy Lee Gifford.
147. Become a philosopher.
148. Try to join the cast of MAD T.V
149. Host a tea party.
150. Attend a tea party.
151. Watch a horror movie when it’s really sunny.
152. Send a phony application to Harvard.
153. Be a man, take stuff apart, put it back together and complain because it doesn’t work. THEN, offer to fix it.
154. Listen to Ozzy Osbourn.
155. Make yourself look like Albert Einstein.
156. Make a cunning greeting card.
157. File for divorce when you’re not even married.
158. Plead insanity.
159. Go up to a police officer and say casually, “Oh. You’re a cop.” and then run frantically away screaming.
160. Go to Krispy Kreme.
161. Purchase every novelty toy ever made.
162. Be a one-person orchestra.
163. Buy little kid shoes for your pets.
164. Play scrabble against yourself.
165. Laugh hysterically for no reason.
166. Go to Russia.
167. Make a book similar to Where’s Waldo.
168. Call a radio station and ask what song was on yesterday at 3:48 am.
169. Call a psychic hotline and ask if they know who the 100th President will be.
170. Call a psychic hotline and tell them you’re a psychic too!
171. Sing “The Song That Never Ends” until you go crazy.
172. Think of every song written by John Lennon.
173. Quote “Monty Python and the Holy Grail”.
174. Have a Mardi Gras party at Christmas.
175. Help a turtle cross the road.
176. Drive a golf cart through an “I HATE GOLF” meeting.
177. Do the Hokey-pokey. (You know you want to!)
178. Ask a 7-year-old if they know where babies come from.
179. Call the DNR and tell them about your grandmother.
180. Relate “The Angry Beavers” to your everyday life.
181. Find out what puce looks like.
182. Juggle spoons.
183. Call the weather station and tell them you can juggle spoons.
184. Recite nursery rhymes to a psychic.
185. Go to Green Acres just to see if it really is the place to be.
186. Tell your boss that you are quitting your job at Pizza Hut to fulfill your life long dream of working at Pizza Hut.
187. Call Tom Hanks’ house and leave a message that says, “Hello. My name is Forrest, Forrest Gump.”
188. Find your exact age in seconds.
189. Memorize the dictionary.
190. Go to the complaint department and complain about the complaint department.
191. Call Bill Gates and ask him if he needs a loan.
192. Call an ex-convict and report a homicide.
193. Figure out why baseball is America’s pastime when more people like football.
194. Learn all of the billions of numbers that make up the mathematical term “pi”.
195. Join the Britney Spears fan club and write about how much you love Christina Aguilera.
196. Figure out the zip code for Boondocks U.S.A
197. Call the Red Hot Chili Peppers the Red Hot Tomalleys.
198. Nominate yourself for a Grammy.
199. Read a book completely backward.
200. Think of 800 more! (Come on! Give me a break!)
201. Think of names for 201 Dalmatians.
202. Go to a sporting event and cheer for the wrong team.
203. Meditate. Become one with the book.
204. Swear at someone in a foreign language.
205. If you failed #32, just watch Jackass on T.V
206. Attempt calculus.
207. Make a life-size model of Elvis out of glow-in-the-dark silly putty.
208. Eat a pineapple.
209. Acquire a taste for free-form jazz.
210. Watch daytime talk shows.
211. Create your own soap opera.
212. Plant an alligator.
213. See if money grows on trees.
214. Take a bath because you probably stink by now.
215. Study Pascal’s Triangle.
216. Hog-tie your grandmother.
217. Untie your grandmother.
218. Master the yo-yo.
219. Become the next Spice Girl.
220. Design slippers.
221. Become a vegetarian.
222. Expand your lint collection.
223. Create your own Jerry Springer type show.
224. Play the Accordion.
225. Learn Hebrew.
226. Make a jelly bean and pickle sandwich.
227. Try to wash all the germs and bacteria off your body.
228. Paint yourself with glow-in-the-dark paint.
229. Believe a horoscope.
230. Play whack-a-mole.
231. Prove to everyone that you are the true lord of the dance.
232. Try not to get your head impaled upon a stick by some strange Mesopotamian tribe.
233. Tell yourself that it IS ALL ABOUT THE PEANUTS!
234. Try to put a new chip in your computer…I suggest a Dorito.
235. Go on a Grapefruit diet.
236. Try German sauerkraut…the American stuff is nasty.
237. Live amongst the Amish.
238. Move far far away from the Amish.
239. Go to the dental office for a root canal and pretend to enjoy it.
240. Go to sleep. (Hey! Why not?)
241. Go to heaven in your dreams.
242. Go bowling with a gruesomely defeated ex-bowler.
243. Watch Forrest Gump. (You got to love him.)
244. Give yourself a flock-of-seagulls hair cut.
245. Pretend everyday of the year is April Fools day.
246. Watch re-runs.
247. Go chasing waterfalls.
248. Memorize the Queen of England’s eating habits.
249. Picture DMX as a father figure.
250. Visit a parole officer.
251. Discover an uncharted island.
252. Move to an uncharted island.
253. Imagine the secret lives of Bonnie and Clyde.
254. Do you like country music yet?
255. By using a bag of flour, create Christmas in July in your livingroom. (Be sure you have a vacuum.)
256. Water ski in the bathtub.
257. Put Eminem and Limp Bizket in the same room.
258. Try to find a leprechaun.
259. Go camera happy.
260. Clean the kidney beans out of your blender and now experiment with lime Jell-O and hoarse radish.
261. Play Russian Roulette.
262. Look under your bed. It’s scary, I know.
263. Drink pickle juice.
264. Shave your head.
265. Play with an etch-a-sketch.
266. Hug a teddy bear.
267. Wash behind your ears AND between your toes.
268. Square dance.
269. Immobilize both of your legs and try to walk up stairs.
270. Cut bath towels into fun shapes.
271. Buy new bath towels.
272. Find the perfect Christmas gift for Santa Claus.
273. Yell at people on T.V (They’re always so clueless.)
274. Write a biography and title it “Just Me”.
275. Answer every question by saying lemon.
276. Rename everything in your room.
277. Stay awake through the entire movie series “Band of Brothers”.
278. Figure out why you like your friends. (They can be so strange.)
279. Talk in pig Latin.
280. Draw happy faces on your toes.
281. Name the people who are now on your toes.
282. Count all the hairs on your head.
283. Make a watermelon roller-coaster.
284. Say “Nano nano…Shuz-butt”.
285. Name the snowflakes on your windowsill.
286. Put all of the canned food in your house into the world’s largest blender…your dryer.
287. Invent a laser that will only cut lima beans.
288. Survive a wheel chair crash.
289. Make a cab driver pay you for taking forever.
290. Make an entire wardrobe from lima beans and Crisco.
291. Without using a mirror, try to look at your ears.
292. Buy a dog and name it Kitty.
293. Go shopping for a new meatloaf.
294. Think of an excuse lamer than “my dog ate it”.
295. Celebrate Yom Kipper (if you don’t already)
296. Set your hair on fire.
297. On second thought…don’t.
298. Sit in the pumpkin patch with Linus and wait for the Great pumpkin.
299. Use crutches for recreational perposses.
300. 700 more. That’s all I’m asking!
301. Fill a 20lb. garbage bag with water and drop it on the unsuspecting citizens below.
302. Run quickly from the window you just dropped the bag from.
303. Mimic a coo-coo-clock.
304. Go fly-fishing in your kitchen sink.
305. Write your last will-and-testament.
306. Do water ballet.
307. Carve zoo animals from bars of soap.
308. Watch out for evil flying monkeys like the ones on the Wizard of Oz.
309. Try your very hardest to learn something from this book.
310. I’m sorry. My last request is an impossibility.
311. If under your bed wasn’t scary enough, now look in your closet.
312. Act like a mime.
313. Now that you’re a mime, you have the right to remain silent.
314. Talk to yourself about ducks and fiddles.
315. But do this in your head because you’re a mime.
316. Simon says talk.
317. Play Simon Says.
318. Win the Grammy you nominated yourself for.
319. Now… win the Nobel Peace Prize.
320. Become a rocket scientist.
321. Give yourself a nickname.
322. Jump into a freezing lake in a bikini.
323. Now jump in a hot tub.
324. Put up and decorate your Christmas tree. (The month is not important.)
325. Scuba dive in your bathtub.
326. Try to find the moose in the moon.
327. Go to sleep and see how many sheep jump over the fence before the farmer realizes what is going on and chases after them.
328. Buy a Serta mattress and never see counting sheep again unless you buy one.
329. Make a gourmet meal completely out of soy products.
330. Research why hamburgers are called hamburgers when really, they’re made from beef.
331. Make a snowman village from oatmeal, gumdrops, and toothpicks.
332. Name the village and all of its occupants.
333. Make a snow angel in a pile of leaves.
334. Make it your life’s ambition to meet Tinker-Bell.
335. Do you like country music now?
336. How about now?
337. Play “Ring-Around-The-Rhino”.
338. Make rings out of play-do and play horseshoes with the stake being the rhino’s horn.
339. Run like he!! because you seriously ticked off that rhino!
340. Make a hairpiece.
341. Make a house of cards with inhabitants.
342. Dig a hole to China.
343. Talk only in abbreviations.
344. Bring utter chaos to the world.
345. Go to a Broadway show!
346. Perform in a Broadway show.
347. Imagine what your life would be like if YOU were the Tin Man on the Wizard of Oz.
348. Become a knight of the round table.
349. Now that you’re a knight, go to Camelot.
350. Once in Camelot, join King Arthur in his court.
351. Finally, join the cast of Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
352. Brought to you in part by Python (Monty) Pictures.
353. Make a cheese bikini.
354. Listen to the Beatles CD and memorize every word to every song.
355. Look up the meaning of the word unctuous.
356. Visit a monastery.
357. Visit a convent.
358. Put up Christmas lights all around your room.
359. Draw political cartoons.
360. Mail them to the newspaper.
361. Play with a monkey.
362. Make a giant catapult
363. Launch pumpkins from your new catapult.
364. Make sure you don’t aim at traffic.
365. Pretend to have lunch with your favorite movie or T.V star.
366. Be a DRAMA QUEEN!
367. Be a DAIRY QUEEN!
368. Be a thesaurus.
369. Properly pronounce thesaurus.
370. Thu-saar-us
371. Determine what shapes the clouds out in the sky are making.
372. Visit a nursing home and be enlightened by the elderly.
373. Learn why Delaware is so small.
374. Watch Christmas movies at the wrong time of year.
375. Watch movies that scared you when you were a kid.
376. Expand your CD collection.
377. Play with a magic 8 ball until it tells you what you want it to.
378. Play hide and seek with yourself.
379. Chase a squirrel around your yard until he gives you his secret stash of nuts.
380. Say “Tax exemption”.
381. Say “Sassafras”.
382. Watch the Austin Powers movies until you truly believe that you are mini-me.
383. Buy a Winnibago.
384. Go camping in Yemen in your new Winnibago.
385. Figure out what you would like on your Tombstone. (Pepperoni and cheese?)
386. Give your teddy bear the himelic maneuver because he just choked on a bad berry.
387. Tap dance in your kitchen.
388. Now buff and wax your floors.
389. Make a song about this book and how pathetic it really is.
390. Get ready…
391. Here it comes…
392. ARE!
393. YOU!
394. READY?
395. Well then, get ready!
396. Ready for what?
397. You ask?
398. This.
399. No, I mean this!
400. 600 MORE PLEASE!
401. Get out your blender again and put in Tabasco sauce and cream cheese. (This makes an interesting party dip.)
402. Join in on the quest for the Holy Grail.
403. Listen to CD’s you liked in the third grade.
404. Make an authentic wax candle by using earwax and twine.
405. Find the meaning of the word “quinquennial”.
406. Plan a party for the most anti-social people in the world.
407. Play Solitaire over and over and over and over and over and over etc...
408. Make blueprints for a nuclear missal silo.
409. Make your own “Do NOT Try This At Home” video.
410. Watch in utter horror as dust falls and yell, “It’s a conspiracy!”
411. Discover the “Secret of Life”.
412. Compare your life to celery.
413. Find a life for me.
414. Swear at people through a loud speaker in that language that you created before.
415. Try not to get arrested for #414
416. Read Dr. Suess books and see if you can tell who is who in the land of Who.
417. Read fairy tales to a goat.
418. Play with Duct Tape. (It’s REALLY fun!)
419. Make a CD with only the song “Barbie Girl” on it.
420. Paint yourself blue, give yourself a mullet, dress like a hooker and see if anyone notices.
421. Think about the HOW-CAN-THEY-STILL-HAVE-A-JOB/LIFE-AFTER-THAT-MOVIE type of life of bad actors and actresses.
422. For example, Britney Spears, Leonardo Dicaprio, and the entire cast of Lake Placid.
423. Try your hardest to figure out why some teenage girls think Bruce Willis is “HOT”.
424. Do you like country music now?
425. Interview a munchkin from Munchkin Land.
426. Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
427. Figure out which sea sponge-bob lives in.
428. Then, find his pineapple and move in unexpectedly.
429. Mail a sealed envelope of powdered sugar to the White House.
430. Point out how rude and inappropriate profanity is by yelling as loud as possible with your own “rude and inappropriate” vocabulary.
431. Once again…Don’t get yourself arrested.
432. Call the plumber and ask him if he will fix your manual potato peeler.
433. Be the most annoyingly happy person to everyone you come in contact with.
434. Be a vegetable. I suggest celery.
435. Take your film to a 1-hour photo place and every 5 minutes say, “Are they done yet?”
436. Go to “Lucky Smells Lumber Mill.”
437. Take a “Road Trip” to Ithaca New York.
438. Forgive my pun.
439. Make a “Double Barrel Sling-shot” by using a DD brazier and hundreds of rubber bands.
440. Figure out what Nirvana is singing in all of their songs. I personally could never understand 99.758% of what they’re singing.
441. Learn the deeper meaning of “Shove it loser!”
442. Listen to Madonna.
443. Determine whether or not you are a chipmunk.
444. Be “Like a Surgeon”.
445. Fig-r ou’ wha’ the ‘ell Ozzy is fu**in say’n when e’s tahk’n ba-cuz every n’ knows wha’ e’s fu**in say’n when e’s sing’n.
446. Talk like Ozzy.
447. Walk like Ozzy.
448. Dude! Become Ozzy!
449. Or maybe not.
450. Go on the Subway Diet.
451. Go on the Chipotle Diet.
452. Pick a diet you like that is not Jenny Craig.
453. Don’t let your mind wander, it’s too small to out on its own.
454. Tell someone to shut their mouth before you put your foot in it.
455. Ask someone what the air speed velocity of an unlaiden swallow is.
456. What? African or European swallow?
457. What? I don’t know that! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
458. Anyway! Watch Happy Gilmore until you go crazy.
459. Clean out your dryer and put in 1lb. Glitter, (preferable pink) 2oz. Creamed spinach, 1 5lb. Bag of flour, 19 large jars of green olives, (take them out of the jar first.) 3 dimes, and 7 gallons of grape cough medicine. Mix on high for 70 minutes, and call repair man to investigate your, um, situation.
460. Repeat yourself.
461. Repeat yourself.
462. Repeat yourself.
463. Repeat yourself.
464. Repeat yourself.
465. Stop repeating yourself.
466. Stop repeating yourself.
467. No! I SAID STOP!
468. Sing.
469. Dance.
470. Jump.
471. Sit.
472. Stand.
473. What?! You expect all of these to be interesting?
474. Exciting in some way?
475. Well guess what!
476. I’m not that friggin creative!
477. Take my advice.
478. You really don’t want to read this crap.
479. You, like me, have no life so you are doing this only to amuse yourself.
480. Get off you behind…
481. Get a job.
482. Get a date.
483. Basically…get a life.
484. And as I said before…
485. Find me a life too!
486. I’m almost halfway done with this stupid list and yet, I’m not any more of an interesting person now than I was when I started writing it.
487. Get the hint?
488. No?
489. OK.
490. Eat a water buffalo.
491. I heard that they’re quite good.
492. Make your brother, if you have a brother, into a ballerina.
493. Find out if you suffer from medorthophobia.
494. If you do…
495. It sucks to be you!
496. If you don’t know what a medorthophobic is…
497. I suggest that you look it up.
498. You don’t want to suffer from this.
499. Well. Actually, I don’t know you so I can’t fairly say that.
500. Halfway there baby!
501. Anyway! Back to the phobia,
502. It is quite the strange phobia.
503. And if you suffer from it, ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL righty then.
504. Get frostbite and sunburn in the same week.
505. In other words, move to Minnesota.
506. Take a spoon to the Super Bowl on a chili night!
507. Ha! That was so funny!
508. Call the person you like Johnny/Betty as code unless their name is Johnny or Betty.
509. Improve your self-esteem by boiling water.
510. By using mainly spoons, make a full-scale model of the Tagmahal.
511. Be a flamboyant person.
512. Let it snow!
513. Let it snow!
514. Let it snow!
515. I though I told you to stop repeating yourself.
516. Start a journal.
517. Draw on yourself with lip liner.
518. Or eye liner.
519. Go to visit a distant relative.
520. How distant?
521. Distant.
522. Find out what “Dringlichkeit Besteht Immer” means.
523. Go to a gay bar for dating advice.
524. Draw mustaches on posters of famous people.
525. If you don’t like country music yet, don’t worry, there is still hope!
526. Supercalafragilistic-hit me in the futuristic.
527. Supercalafragilisticexpaladoshus.
528. Tee-hee.
529. Get “jiggy wit it”.
530. Light every candle in your house and try to identify what the mixture of smells smells like.
531. Cut up magazines and make pretty pictures.
532. Take out your blender.
533. Fill it with sauerkraut.
534. And chili.
535. Set it to liquefy.
536. Have fun.
537. Call your mother.
538. Tell her you need a new dryer.
539. And a new blender.
540. And more canned food.
541. And soy milk.
542. Download every JOECARTOON that you can find.
543. Play “ELFBOWLING”
544. Play “ELFBOWLING 2”
545. Play “ELFBOWLING 3”
546. Play any other game.
547. Read Dr. Suess.
548. Start a band.
549. Go on a world tour with your band.
550. Quit the band because it really sucks.
551. Buy every single aroma therapy candle you find.
552. Go to a foreign country.
553. Act like a terrorist.
554. Go directly to jail.
555. Do not pass go.
556. Do not collect $200.
557. Rhyme everything you say.
558. Rhyme every thing everybody else says.
559. Go around to everyone you see and ask them if they have change for a penny.
560. Talk in code.
561. Become the smartest person in the world.
562. Read, “The Catcher in the Rye”.
563. Spy on people.
564. Go to the police station and report that a lawn gnome is stalking you.
565. In you police report, say the lawn gnome just stands outside your house all day…
566. Watching you…
567. Smiling in a suspicious way.
568. Nickname all of your friends after vacuous dictators.
569. Become a play-write.
570. Read the book, “Pride and Prejudice”.
571. Watch the movie, “Pride and Prejudice”.
572. Be warned… the movie is five hours long.
573. Find the more common meaning of the word, “convivial”.
574. Remember those psychics that we were talking about in the 100’s?
575. Well…first, call one of them up…
576. Ask them why you are calling…
577. Disagree with everything they tell you…
578. Accuse them of being associated with that troublesome lawn gnome…
579. Inform them about your currently broken blender…
580. Also your broken dryer…
581. And your lack of sauerkraut, chili, and soy milk.
582. Choose not the life of imitation.
583. Try eating government commodity cheese.
584. Play with little kiddy toys…
585. Such as squirt guns.
586. Explore the depths of your closet.
587. Define the word “Conundrum”
588. Do something productive.
589. Create your self-portrait by using guacamole.
590. Portray yourself as someone who lacks the instinct of common sense.
591. If that is already the way you are portrayed, that really sucks.
592. Please tell me you like country music.
593. You do!
594. That is simply splendid!
595. Anywho! Make up some form of rip-off sweepstakes.
596. Enter your sweepstakes.
597. Con all of your friends into entering.
598. Win your sweepstakes.
599. Get new friends.
600. Oh. My. God. Look at the fact that I only have 400 more things to make-up off the top of my head and put down on this piece off paper in order to entertain all of you unsuspecting people who happen to be innocently reading this, not knowing that as you read you are being brain-washed into thinking that this is the greatest written account of how you lived your pathetic child-hood, teen years, mid-life, retirement, and/or current life.
601. Wow! I’m out of breath now.
602. Oh crap! I have just released my well thought-out and high school educated plot.
603. Oh well! I’ll just think up a new one.
604. Study Entomology.
605. Start a collection of government officials.
606. Go to Tahiti, that is, if you’re not there right now.
607. Find out where Osama Bin Laden is hiding.
608. Find out where Saddam Hussein is hiding.
609. Protest all protesters.
610. Hop on Pop.
611. Oh! I crack myself up!
612. Forgive me… that was extremely dull humor.
613. Use terms heard in the military…
614. Such as Hooah…
615. Bonsai…
616. Stupid Saddam…
617. Sponge-bob…
618. Attention…
619. At ease…
620. And most importantly…
621. M.R.E’s
622. Also known as…
623. Meals Ready to Eat…
624. Although I, as well as everyone I know who is in the military…
625. Which is a lot of people…
626. All think that a school lunch…
627. Which is primarily cardboard, styrofoam, glue, and other unknown substances…
628. Would be a better definition of the words, “Meal” and/or “food”.
629. Wow! That was a waste of space.
630. Look up the definitions of the following words…
631. Austere…
632. Ersatz…
633. Vile…
634. Hostile…
635. And Carnivorous.
636. I hope you didn’t say what I think you just said…
637. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…you did!
638. You lied!
639. You told me that you liked country music!
640. I will convert you yet.
641. And when I do…
642. You can come to Detroit Lakes, Minnesota in August for WE FEST.
643. It’s all country!
644. In the mean time, YOU WILL OBEY MY EVERY REQUEST.
645. YOU WILL LIKE COUNTRY MUSIC.
646. YOU WILL MOVE TO SOUTH YEMEN.
647. YOU WILL BE ABLE TO BEND YOUSELF INTO THE SHAPE OF A PRETZLE.
648. My caps lock key just broke.
649. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.
650. Become someone’s secret admirer.
651. I’m just curious as to if you have learned anything from this book yet.
652. No?
653. That’s OK…
654. Neither have I.
655. Talk only in questions?
656. Learn Latin.
657. Look at funny pictures of your siblings or acquaintances.
658. If you don’t have any siblings or acquaintances, you have my pity.
659. Go deep into the inter-quadrants of your mind.
660. Read the notes people wrote in your old yearbooks.
661. Con a female celebrity or Michael Jackson into telling you what percentage of their body is artificial.
662. Turn your bed sheets into your spreadsheets.
663. Find a movie actor/actress who is the same age as you.
664. Take a college exam for fun.
665. Write a letter to the editor in hieroglyphics.
666. ß Note the number.
667. Go to a lamas class.
668. Write a list of complaints about trash receptacles.
669. Read the second letter in the fourth word of the newspaper and think of every word that begins with that letter.
670. Read Hitler’s personal diary…
671. Online.
672. Twiddle your thumbs.
673. Eat a Twinkie.
674. Go to join an environmental group wearing a fur coat, crocodile shoes, and a feather hat.
675. Be Superman and save the world.
676. Be a Door to Door door sales-man.
677. Be a Door to Door mattress sales-man.
678. Be a Girl Scout and sell cookies.
679. Be Yoda from Star Wars.
680. Be Luke Skywalker from Star Wars.
681. Be Princess Laya from Star Wars.
682. Be Han Solo from Star Wars.
683. Be R2D2 from Star Wars.
684. Be C3PO from Star Wars.
685. Be Darth Vader from Star Wars.
686. Be Chewbakka from Star Wars.
687. Or not.
688. Tell everyone you know that you truly love SPAM.
689. Yeah…I know what you’re thinking…
690. What?! SPAM again! I thought she was done talking about SPAM!
691. But NO! I was not done…
692. I just brought it up again to see if you were paying attention!
693. I don’t know how that could possibly prove anything, but oh well.
694. Hey! Look! I’m almost at 700!
695. Use hair ties as weapons.
696. By using velcro and a lufa, vacuum your house.
697. Play the harmonica with your nose.
698. Join a Chinese fan club.
699. Make it a point every day to talk to Drew Carry.
700. ß Only 300 to go! Now just watch! I’ll fall over and die or something. You would just love that wouldn’t you?
701. Make a fruit pizza.
702. Remember all those fun things we did with blenders?
703. Well! Take out you blender and fill it with 1 cup of strawberry Kool-Aid, 5 tbls of olive oil, and 1 3lb bag of egg noodles.
704. Doesn’t that sound appetizing?
705. Frolic around your house.
706. Skip merrily about the bathroom.
707. Have a water fight…
708. But instead of water, use cream of mushroom soup.
709. Paint your room an interesting color.
710. Throw a beach party.
711. Throw a birthday party.
712. Unleash one, or more, of your multiple personalities.
713. Does the word specimen gross you out?
714. Why?
715. Van ir al cine.
716. En ingles…
717. Go to the movies.
718. Find out what the following symbols mean…
719. ~
720. ^
721. *
722. `
723. and
724. :^)
725. I made a smiley face!
726. Use this book as a weapon.
727. Use this book as a doorstop.
728. Buy a chimpanzee.
729. Name your chimpanzee “Rikki Tikki Tavi”.
730. Crush candy canes to make confetti.
731. Gross someone out with an odd talent you possess.
732. Figure out if you, yourself, are possessed.
733. Steal a semi.
734. Preferably one filled with a soft drink.
735. Like Pepsi.
736. Drive it to Pakistan.
737. Dig a really big hole.
738. Drive it into the really big hole.
739. Crap! You’re stuck!
740. No…I’m just kidding.
741. Climb on top of the semi…
742. Jump out of the really big hole…
743. Begin to fill in the really big hole with spinach.
744. Try not to be noticed by the surrounding city of Islamabad.
745. Yes… that is the Capitol City.
746. And as I have said several times before…
747. Don’t get yourself arrested.
748. Accuse everyone of treason.
749. Catch some strange, but not deadly, virus…
750. Throw it back where you found it.
751. I am beginning to think that the whole you liking country music thing isn’t going to happen…
752. So instead I have found an alternative.
753. How do you feel about techno music?
754. I personally don’t care much for techno.
755. Smile.
756. Make everyone wonder what twisted scheme is going through your head.
757. I’m sorry.
758. I just simply can’t convince you to like techno music when I think that it’s crap.
759. So now you shall hear my alternative alternative.
760. This music style is one I happen to like a lot.
761. Try listening to jazz…
762. The real stuff…
763. With Louie Armstrong and Ella Fitzgerald.
764. It’s really good.
765. What is this I am sensing?
766. Doubt?
767. I don’t believe it!
768. I sit here…
769. At my computer…
770. Day after day…
771. Trying to think of the most preposterous things to do when you’re bored…
772. All to benefit you people whom I have never met…(probably…)
773. And what do you do to me? You doubt me!
774. I should just stop here and let you finish this purposeless…
775. Uneducational…
776. Waste of time I could be using for Ping-Pong…
777. Excuse for a book.
778. J
779. Oh well.
780. Maybe I’ll make a lot money off it.
781. Maybe not.
782. By using mainly lip-gloss, make your hallway into a Slip-n-Slide!
783. This WILL take a lot of lip-gloss.
784. Figure out who the following people are (your grandparents always talk about them…it’s time for some answers!)
785. Louie Armstrong (Black dude who can sing)
786. Ella Fitzgerald (Black dudette who can sing)
787. Frank Sinatra (White dude who can sing/act)
788. Gene Kelly (White dude who can sing/act too)
789. Roger Moore (One of them James Bond guys)
790. Ron Howard (White dude from Happy Days (he played Richie)
791. (NAME OF MOST-LIKELY-DEAD PERSON YOUR GRANDPARENT’S LIKE(D))
792. My caps lock key works again.
793. I can’t quite remember, but I think that somewhere up there I told you to be like Piccaso…
794. If I did…
795. That does not apply to surgeons, psychiatrists, firemen, and/or butchers.
796. Yeah, that might not be the greatest thing…
797. Some possessed psychiatrist running around acting like Piccaso.
798. Wow. So close to the end and yet, so far.
799. I’m not quite sure if I can make it.
800. 200 left! Tonight I’m going to party like it’s 1999.
801. I don’t know why I would want to though…
802. In 1999 I was only 11…
803. I was in the 5th grade…
804. I currently don’t care much for the 5th graders I know…
805. So why on earth would I want to party like a 5th grader?
806. 4th graders are cool, but not those rotten little 5th graders that I know.
807. Anywho! If you haven’t noticed yet, I have brainwashed you into thinking that I am the coolest person on this planet who lives the most pathetic life.
808. And for all you know, it could very well be true!
809. I mean, most of the unsuspecting, law-abiding citizens who read this don’t personally know me…
810. And therefore I could be the coolest person on this planet who lives the most pathetic life.
811. And the Nobel Prize goes to…
812. Me!
813. Hey! I thought I told you to win the Nobel Prize.
814. But you didn’t win it, did you?
815. No! Because I did!
816. Hypothetically speaking.
817. Oh like it really matters!
818. Laugh at your peers and the stupid things they always tend to do.
819. Discover the joy of squirt guns, buckets of water, and your siblings.
820. Go to Dolly Wood in Pidgin Forge, Tennessee.
821. Go to every antique shop/mall in the continental United States.
822. Ask the people at the shops/malls to open display cases for you in order to see an item clearly marked NOT FOR SALE.
823. Interview an Elvis impersonator.
824. Ask everyone you see, “Hey! That thing got a Hemi?”
825. Buy an attack cat for your house.
826. Make sure that it is vicious.
827. Quote yourself.
828. Make Johnny Cash your idol.
829. If he is already your idol, try Bernie Mac.
830. Or Big Mac.
831. Available at all McDonald’s across Bosnia.
832. And in the U.S.A. too.
833. And don’t forget Europe.
834. And penguins.
835. I don’t know where that came from…
836. It just came…
837. You know, like the weather…
838. We don’t know where it comes from…
839. We just know how it starts…
840. What’s up with that?
841. Go fishing…
842. But try not to catch weed fish.
843. I hold the world record for the longest weed fish…
844. It was 13ft. 2inches.
845. Have you broken a world record yet?
846. Smile… you’re on candid camera.
847. No, not really.
848. Walk around town saying, “Pa-ching! That’s so Smurfin’!”
849. Go to the carnival and pretend to be a sideshow to The Amazing Bob.
850. Transform your local furniture store into a campground.
851. Show up at a beach party wearing the same swimsuit as your grandmother.
852. I’ve seen it happen…
853. Be warned!
854. It could be fatal!
855. I can feel the size of my brain decrease as I continue to write this crap.
856. Can you?
857. Well, I guess one of us is lucky.
858. Create your own movie montage in a hat shop.
859. Give into peer pressure…
860. Come on…
861. Everyone is doing it…
862. It’s O.K…
863. You know you want to.
864. Go to college.
865. Get a real job.
866. Throw all your hands up.
867. I’m hoping that you only have two or less.
868. If you have more than two…
869. That’s cool.
870. Yup. ß Say yup.
871. I wonder where they would sell this book…
872. Maybe on the black market.
873. Visit the black market…
874. Online.
875. Play cards.
876. Talk to goldfish.
877. Reflect on all the fond memories you have had with SPAM.
878. It’s almost been 200 ideas since I said anything about SPAM…
879. I have to stay consistent.
880. Well, I don’t have to stay consistent…
881. I just feel like annoying you.
882. Go golfing.
883. I don’t know why I suggested that.
884. Ask yourself questions.
885. Answer your questions.
886. If you don’t know the answer…
887. Look it up…
888. Online.
889. Or in the Yellow Pages.
890. Yellow Pages make very nice wallpaper.
891. Just think…
892. All the information you’ll ever need…
893. Right there…
894. On your wall.
895. Watch every movie ever made by Alfred Hitchcock.
896. See how many of those movies he is actually in.
897. Have a Zuper Zorba’s Zummer!
898. Fill your bedroom with stuffed animals.
899. Have someone open the door to the pastel and fuzz avalanche.
900. I thought I’d never see the day! I have already been working on this for almost a year. At one point, I took a break because I temporarily had a life, but that’s in the past. Now I’ll get to number 998 and have a heart attack or something. Then you people will never know how this poor excuse for a source of entertainment called a book ends. I’ll know, but I’ll either be dead or in the intensive care unit at the hospital. And if I do survive, I will just stop writing it because it is causing so much stress in my life. Actually it’s not, but that’s the excuse I’ll use.
901. Moving on from my account of insanity…
902. Mow your lawn with a fingernail clipper.
903. Talk to yourself…
904. About what?
905. Yourself!
906. Duh.
907. Eat Chinese fooooooooooooooooooooood.
908. It’s really good.
909. Watch “Dude! Where’s My Car?”
910. And “Seriously Dude! Where’s My Car?”
911. Don’t you just love sequels?
912. I know I do.
913. Play with a Serta counting sheep.
914. Go to Disney Land/World/Euro-Disney Land/World.
915. Create several disguises for yourself.
916. These are just incase you are or ever will be a convict.
917. I suppose I could be arrested for giving you that advice.
918. What are the chances of that happening?
919. They’re coming to take me away! Ha! Ha!
920. They’re coming to take me away! Ha! Ha! Ho! Ho! Hee! Hee!
921. To the funny farm where life is grand!
922. And all those doctors in clean white coats!
923. And I think we all get the hint.
924. Play with a jack-in-the-box.
925. Jack jumps out and goes boingy-boingy-boingy-boing.
926. Do you like country music?
927. How about that crap techno stuff?
928. Jazz?
929. I just don’t understand you people.
930. You’re running out of time dude.
931. Listen to Ringo Star’s thoughts on life.
932. My computer is telling me that I misspelled Ringo.
933. I just added it to my dictionary.
934. Take that computer!
935. Do something productive…
936. Make a lot of money…
937. Send the money to me…
938. Weep because you have no money…
939. And no common sense.
940. I’m just kidding.
941. Do water ballet in a large can of tomato soup.
942. Take a bath. (I know I already said that, but come on! Tomato Soup Water Ballet?)
943. Play baseball with cabbage.
944. Try to play catch with a stump…
945. This stump shall not be abused…
946. So give the poor thing a name…
947. Like Stumpy…
948. Or Stump…
949. Or Slivers…
950. Or Drift Wood…
951. Or something else.
952. Less than 50 to go!
953. Luckily I’m still healthy…
954. For the time being that is.
955. Eat liver and onions.
956. Use sunless tanner as invisible ink.
957. Use a mango as a bowling ball.
958. Watch really old Driver Education movies.
959. Laugh at these movies.
960. Comment on how incredibly out of date they are.
961. Always wear sunscreen.
962. Currently, statistics show that out of the previous 961 ideas listed, only 81% of it was actually considered an idea, and the other 19% was just me rambling on about stuff.
963. Just think about that.
964. Start a countdown to the end of this book.
965. Imagine what your mother would look like with a purple afro.
966. Now imagine a green and orange polka-dot dress on her.
967. And now add the aquamarine pumps.
968. Ain’t she purdy?
969. Go swimming.
970. Play a sport.
971. Design a line of clothing.
972. Take a walk down Hollywood Boulevard.
973. Visit a coconut in Guam.
974. Go to the Sherman Bath Mat Company in Peoria, Illinois.
975. I don’t even know if there is a Sherman Bath Mat Company.
976. But go there anyway.
977. Count down the number of days to your birthday.
978. Only 106 until mine!
979. Clean your bathroom.
980. Clean your bedroom.
981. Find things from the third grade under your bed.
982. Become a model.
983. Eat something.
984. Get fired because you popped a Tic-Tac, and now you’re fat.
985. Those agents are so picky.
986. Learn the real meaning of, “I promise.”
987. 13 more…and what happens?
988. I’m out of ideas!
989. No, I’m not!
990. I must keep going!
991. For the sake of humanity…
992. And stupidity…
993. And for my sanity!
994. Buy a car.
995. Buy a bus.
996. Buy a train.
997. Buy a plane.
999. Buy a Corporate Leader.
1000. Make a list of 1000 things to do when you’re really bored!
posted by Prez @ 9:11 PM
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